Well, we all know that adults with autism or Asperger’s syndrome have trouble making friends, and if you’re an adult with Asperger’s, this probably sounds pretty familiar to you by now! But now let’s talk about ways to solve all the problems of building friendships.

Yes, it’s hard to make friends if you’re an adult with Asperger syndrome. Yes, it’s lonely. But THERE ARE things that can help. There are organizations that can help; and tools and strategies that can help. Let’s talk about some of them.

Local Asperger Support Groups

The first line of defense, so to speak, for adults wanting to make friends should be Asperger’s groups and organizations dedicated to such things. This is because, as a general rule, Aspies will tend to get along better with other Aspies. It’s wonderful to meet other people who think the same way you do, act the same way you do, talk the same way, and generally understand you. Now, there is diversity in the Aspie population just like in the rest of the world. You won’t automatically get along with every Aspie in the world, but you have many, many more possibilities. You can find someone who shares your interests, someone who wants to “be” and interact in the same way that you want to.

Many of these organizations have support groups for adults with Asperger’s; some may put you in contact with other people with Asperger syndrome.

Find a group in your city

Many cities have their own Asperger groups and meetings. They are definitely worth finding. Washington, DC, for example, has a very large group called “Asperger Adults of Greater Washington” or AAGW. He has almost forty people who come to the meetings each month. Most groups are not that big. They meet in a corner of a tea cafe once a month. At first, they have social time for their members to talk to each other; then sometimes they have a speaker or discussion topic, and more freeform social time at the end.

Each group of Aspies works differently. Some focus only on free time to chat, some are all talkers, some are discussion based, some are more therapy oriented. Some only have as few as 4 members; others, like AAGW, could have as many as forty.

The wonderful thing about these groups is that the people are usually very impartial. You can feel safe there, safe to be yourself. If you move around a lot and can’t look anyone in the eye, no one will care. If you talk about trains all day, they’ll understand. If you’re too anxious to talk but just want to sit and listen, they’ll be happy to have you there. Whatever your level of functioning and way of being in the world, in an Aspie group you will be received with sincerity. Most of the people are very friendly, although of course, it depends on the person and the group; and you will feel welcome. You will recognize yourself in others. You will feel less alone.

The OASIS website maintains a great list of local support groups in all fifty states. Many of these are for parents, but there are also some for adults with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Also, try using Google to find local groups, or email a national Asperger’s email group to ask if anyone knows of any local groups (eg grip.org groups, ASAN at autisticadvocacy.org, Autistic group Daily living Yahoo, etc.)

National Asperger Advocacy Groups

In addition to all the local groups, there are some national or regional Asperger’s organizations that run support groups for adults with Asperger’s. These are all very useful groups to know about.

GRASP, or Global and Regional Autistic Self Advocacy Network, organizes support groups for adults in several different states, but focuses on the New York City region. Their current list of support groups includes locations in California, Colorado, Iowa, Illinois, Michigan, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, Virginia, New York, and more. There are several based in the New York City area.

ASAN, or Autistic Self Advocacy Network, also runs groups in several different states. These are run by people on the autism spectrum and are often more focused on political issues (such as advocating for the rights of people on the spectrum and how to work to reduce the amount of negative messages about people with autism in the media, how to educate people about autism spectrum disorders, etc.).

The ASAN website talks more about the goals of the organization. It was started by two young men in their twenties, both with Asperger’s. One was just starting college, another in graduate school; both with the vision of creating an organization for people with autism spectrum disorders; An organization run by people who had the same disorder to create a welcoming place of support and also to create an organization that would fight for the rights of people on the spectrum.

A third organization is the Asperger’s Association of New England, or AANE. They provide support groups in most of the six New England states. They are based in Boston and have several groups in that area. They have social activity groups, where members go to various places together (bowling, to dinner, to see a lecture), as well as support groups and social skills groups. A full list of groups can be found at aane.org.

An excellent website for finding support organizations and support groups that lists the groups broken down by US state is: aspergersyndrome.org

The list of support organizations here is extensive. While these listings aren’t necessarily geared toward adults, with a little work, chances are you can find a support group that meets your needs.

How else can adults with Asperger’s find friends?

It’s helpful to meet other adults with Asperger’s, but sometimes you just want to be able to make friends with the people around you. How can you achieve that? How can you develop more friendships in your life?

Work on your social skills

One option is always to get counseling to help work on your social skills. A good counselor can tell you where you’re going wrong and work with you to help you change the weak areas. They can identify those areas where you need help and model appropriate social skills. They can model with you what to do and say in social situations. By working with a qualified therapist, you can become more aware of the way you are and gain more friends with your new improved skills.

Find people you are compatible with!

But you still need a place to meet the right people. All the social skills in the world aren’t going to help you get along with just anyone. People have very different personalities, interests, and communication styles. You need to meet people who are compatible with you.

But how do I do that, you ask? Well look around you. Decide what you are interested in. If you like to read, join a book club. In the process of discussing the Great Gatsby, you may come across a soul mate. Do you like to swim? Join a swimming club. Many Aspies make much better friends when they are DOING something with a person instead of just talking to them. They need to do something constructive while they are with a person; that way the focus is on the activity instead of the conversation.

If you like history and World War II, join a historical preservation group. Maybe you can get involved in Civil War reenactments.

If you like sports, join a sports club; Non-competitive sports are likely to generate more friendships than competitive ones, but you never know. If you like to sing, join a choir. If you like to write, find a writing group. The list is endless. The important thing is to match your skills and interests with a group of like-minded people. You may still have social skills issues, but you will have a common interest with these people and you will be much more likely to develop friendships. Just be patient and know that developing friendships takes time; it doesn’t happen overnight. Go slow and try not to rush things. Trying to rush things will put pressure on the other person and make it much more likely to end the blossoming friendship prematurely. It’s hard to wait, yes, but in the end it’s worth it.

Eight places to find potential friends

1. Intellectual interest groups

Book clubs, political discussion groups, moral and ethical discussion groups like Socrates Café, MENSA are all good places to look.

2.Sports activities

Find local groups for soccer, basketball, swimming, or any sport that interests you.

3.Creative activities

Arts and crafts, photography, painting, writing, and other creative arts; people come together to share work, discuss techniques, or engage in said art during group time with others.

4.Religious organizations

Churches and synagogues can be great places to meet other people. They often organize their own discussion groups, choirs, and activities.

5. University groups

If you have a college or university near you, they may have special interest groups open to the public that you could join.

6.Science and Technology

Do you like computers? Science fiction? Medicine? Find like-minded people in a group dedicated to these topics.

7. Your workplace

Sometimes you can find like-minded people at your workplace, or at least people to go to a baseball game with. Many times this does not happen, but occasionally it can.

8. Activity groups

People can get together to play board games, chess, Scrabble, go hiking, or do any type of activity together.

While it can be difficult for an adult with autism or Asperger’s Syndrome to make friends easily, it is possible with a little thought and energy.