September 17, 2007
When a loser fails, does that make it a win? Not always, but this week the top two seeds, Duke and Iowa State, fall short of expectations by winning their games. That’s why you play them.
The action of week 3 brought a series of curious results. In a major milestone, Duke planted an ‘L’ in someone else’s backyard for a change by introducing Northwestern’s Wildycats to the bottom of the loser’s barrel. And after accomplishing the unthinkable by losing to Kent State and Northern Iowa, the Iowa State Cyclones put all their eggs in their team’s field goal basket to beat royal Iowa 15-13, without scoring a touchdown.
Michigan threw a wet towel on Ohio State’s delusion of not losing to Notre Dame. Now the South Benders take sole possession of the national attention focused on their winning season. The Irish lost convincingly to a starting team with a quarterback who had never played a down and who couldn’t, without fake ID, buy a beer. Giving up 31 straight points in the first half had many ND students pulling out their fake IDs and taking I-90 to downtown Chicago before the Michigan gang took the field. Recognizing the now real prospect of a significantly longer losing streak, Irish fans are mustering their courage, liquid and otherwise, to look down the latrine of their 2007 season. what the Irish enter the top ten for futility this week.
The Louisville Cardinals also learned a bit about what it was like to be Murray State in Week 1, giving the University of Kentucky a win. It was Kentucky’s first win over a top-tier opponent since disco was king. Kentucky snuck through early season wins over Kent State and Eastern Kentucky to sneak up on and beat the Cardinals 40-24 in a defensive battle.
Trying to sneak up on people is a Nebraska employee strategy. The Huskers spend the beginning of the season beating up the smaller schools and then ambushing the Big Boys when necessary. Unknown within Nebraskaland, the Big Reds are considered one of the Big Boys and are not allowed to sneak up on anyone. Consequently, the Cornhuskers were ambushed at home 49-31 against #1 USC. USC’s 21 straight points in the third quarter sealed the deal.
#11 UCLA made a trip to the forgotten time zone to take on Utah and was blown outright by the Utes 44-6. The UCLans just didn’t know how to set their watches for start time and thought they needed their passports to get to Utah. Going into the game, the Utes racked up losses to Oregon State and the Air Force. They needed to play at UCLA to recover.
And after weeks and even years of pounced on the Futility Sword of Self Sacrifice, Troy University earned a huge 41-23 victory over a reasonably talented Oklahoma State team. Some of the historic beatings suffered by the Trojans include a 56-0 thrashing of Nebraska in 2006, as well as starting 2007 with a 46-26 loss to Arkansas and a 59-31 thrashing of Florida. The Trojans held on and kept scheduling games against good schools and eventually pulled off a solid win. So congratulations to Troy! This is what makes the games worth watching.
Seeing last week’s losers take the field brought some interesting results and scrambled the top ten of football futility, giving us a new top level of misses. When schools like Vanderbilt start getting conference wins, things get really confusing, so hang in there.
1. Syracuse
The wind inside the Carrier Dome was causing problems for the Illinois kicker, as he nearly missed on the second half kickoff, scoring about four yards. This got the ball up to 29 and led to a Syracuse field goal. Unfortunately for the Orange, they were already down 17-0. Counting on the opposing kicker to hit the top of the ball to improve his position on the field is a difficult way to rack up points.
If Syracuse can figure out how to create wind inside their Carrier Dome, they should be able to find a way to score touchdowns. The Orange sport is now 0-3 going into week 4 with a game against Louisville. The oranges better figure out how to get the wind to blow the ball across the face of the card if they want to win this one.
2. Army
The Mules lost to Wake Forrest this week as expected. The Deacons gave their offense the day off, allowing special teams and defense to score the points. Army fell 21-10 in this one to extend their record to 1-2. Army better start setting expectations for this weekend when the Knights take on a ranked BC Eagles squad that is on a 3-0 skid after beating the G Tech Wrecks.
3. State of Utah
In the Week 3 Ben Dover Memorial Game, the Utah State Aggies put up a tough fight against the University of Oklahoma before being defeated 54-3. The Aggies threw everything they had against the Sooners, but the Sooners’ second and third strings scored 38 points in the first 30 minutes. After that, it was easy for the Sooners, but they clung to a 51-point margin of victory. Save your ticket stubs from this one, folks. Someday they’ll be worth something, like, well… never mind.
4. State of San Jose
Another new addition to the top ten worst, San Jose State jumped ahead of several previously ranked schools by virtue of its stellar 0-3 record. However, the Spartans have a chance this week against newly ranked Utah State. This is the rotten game of the week as the 0-3 Spartans bring their experience from losing to AZ State, KState and Stanford to the line against Utah State.
5.North Carolina
The Tar Heels had an absolutely Nebraskaesque (no USC) schedule set to kick-start their football program. Unlike the Huskers, North Carolina came out and let the VA Cadavaliers beat them 22-20 at home. However, the lucky Heels now take their show on the road to South Florida, so they may have a chance to win on the road. Should South Florida take them out on the South Florida steam, look to the Heels to start a run at number one.
6. State of North Carolina
The Wolfpack may have seen their best game of September. The next few weeks will bring ranked opponents, so NCState better enjoy their win over Wofford. The ‘Pack scheduled this game in mid-September so season ticket holders would have to purchase tickets as part of their ACC package. This is solid business planning. Perhaps big business should be in charge of the football program, as the Wolfpack is now heading to the meat of the ACC calendar.
7. Iowa State
The Cyclones threw a wrench in their drive to number one by stealing a win over Real Iowa thanks to five field goals. A win is a win, but scoring enough points without scoring a touchdown is still boring. This may have been the strategy when the Hawkeyes yawned to get enough sleep to allow I-State to kick a field goal in the 4th quarter to win. Next up for I state is Toledo, who has previous experience against teams like Ohio State. Toledo has a chance on this one, so stay tuned.
8. Duke
The Blue Devils fell just short of their attempt to repeat their perfect, winless season in 2006. They beat Northwestern in Evanston, IL on Saturday to snap one of the longest losing streaks by BCS level teams. This battle of intellectual stars resulted in a cerebral thriller 20-14 with a total of 7 points scored in the entire second half. Congratulations, however, to Duke and good luck. They have every chance to climb back to the top of the futility rankings with a schedule that includes four currently ranked teams. Who would have thought that the November 17 game against Notre Dame could be close?
9. State of New Mexico
The other top ten Aggies useless notched a win over nearby Texas El Paso this week. It’s a good thing these two schools play soccer because there’s not much else to do in that part of the country except walk across the bridge to Juárez for decent tequila. These schools are so close to each other that fans from each school gather along the Texas-New Mexico border to throw rocks at each other. Coaching staffs from both schools observe the festivities to recruit and train quarterbacks.
10. Our Lady
How unusual is this? The Irish are not only included in the top ten of worst college football, they were also shut out from another school 0-2. One can only imagine the pain in South Bend this week. Notre Dame’s recruiting network is melting down and reaching critical mass. ND physics students know exactly what this means and seek to throw a carbon rod into the smoldering radioactive mass to prevent them from exploding. The ND coaching staff seems like the best thing to do, so stay tuned to see who’s next in two weeks. The last coach to rack up five straight losses gave his final salute to Touchdown Jesus shortly after.
Now that the 2007 season is solidly underway, there are some great games and matchups to enjoy. Will Duke and I-State get back on track to lose on Saturday? Can Syracuse stop an angry and driven Louisville from taking their lives? For answers to these and other important questions of our time, visit http://firsttworst.com