Think back to when you were 16 or 17 years old. What characteristics were you looking for in a boyfriend or girlfriend? If you’re being honest, you might remember that your #1 requirement was: “Is she (or is he) breathing?” Of course, we all loved the cheerleader or captain of the football team, but we’d settle for just about anyone who showed even the slightest bit of interest in us. And most likely we will imagine a fantastic drama about our relationship, creating a huge ordeal of ecstasy and agony!
Looking back on your first relationships, do you remember if you were egocentric gold focused on the other in your puppy love Try to put yourself back in your adolescent mindset. When dating, were you more focused on YOUR own performance (your clothes, your pleasure, your behavior) or did you consider your partner’s concerns?
Few adolescents are mature enough to be focused on the other. In fact, it is the developmental task of adolescents (It’s their JOB!) to see the world from their egocentric position and to experiment with behaviors and attitudes that they see around them. Seeking a sense of independence, teens identify strongly with some and fiercely reject others as it serves them. Their self-perception and personal satisfaction depends on the reflection and reactive contribution they receive from others, who are very egocentric.
As mature adults, we have successfully moved out of adolescence, advanced into the young adult stage, and many married and raised families. And now some of us are single again. Despite the accrual of additional birthdays and more extensive experience, adults are often just as uncomfortable and nervous about “dating” as their younger counterparts. And, due to the lack of credible role models of mature matchmaking behaviors, many adults feel a bit lost. They know what doesn’t work; but his vision of what could working differently is hard to achieve.
The challenge of being a single adult looking for a meaningful and fulfilling relationship is not easy because you seem to be navigating uncharted waters. But we have skills, experience (and maturity!) on our side.
One of the benefits of maturity is practical optimism–Adults have learned that there are often multiple methods to achieve a goal. Even if a specific strategy isn’t immediately obvious, adults know they can investigate, learn, and succeed with a little effort. When the going gets tough, they look for more information.
Another benefit of maturity is a appreciation of reality. Adults have learned that people are multidimensional. Our relationships are more than superficial!!! We accept and honor the superficial AND subtle characteristics of friends, family and lovers.
And, perhaps the greatest benefit of maturity is the preference for balance or moderation. When searching for a life partner, adults are more likely to search for mates based on a combination of head and heart criteria: excitement AND comfort.
Mature relationships take on a very different style and intent than the one-dimensional romantic relationships of younger ones. This doesn’t mean that romance isn’t important, it just isn’t everything.