Do you feel in control of your life? Now, do you feel like a puppet because someone else is pulling your strings? Have you stepped aside to play the role of man, husband or father, or woman, wife or mother taught to you by your parents and by society? If you answered “yes” to any of the questions, are you really happy?
I discovered the “puppet syndrome” early in my practice as a marriage and family therapist. When some of my clients were sharing their dilemmas, I had the image of a puppet. Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I asked them to imagine that they were a puppet and to look up to see who was pulling their strings. Their responses included their mothers, fathers, associates, bosses, friends, or religious leaders. Sometimes her children were even in control. Needless to say, these customers weren’t very happy or satisfied.
Why do we give our power to others? I think we are born with basic survival instincts. If we feel that the only way we can be loved and cared for is by pleasing our parents, we can put our true selves aside and be who they want us to be. We become “people-pleasing”. That survival technique becomes part of our personality and, even as adults, we continue to say and do what others want to be safe and accepted.
What are some typical “puppet” responses? “I’ll be happy to do whatever you want to do.” “I’m fine with whatever you want.” “Tell me what you decide and I will be fine with your decision.” “Whatever you say, I will.” I imagine we all say these things sometimes. However, the difference is that we are speaking our truth at that moment. People who give their power to others do not usually express what they really feel or want. They will pretend to be who and how others want them to be.
It goes without saying that these men and women who are controlled by their survival fears are very unhappy and can suffer from depression. They are likely to numb your emotional pain with addictions. Puppets often have physical problems because they suppress their true feelings, including their anger and resentments. Nobody likes to be controlled! When they feel miserable enough, they can go to therapy and discover the causes of their deceptive behaviors. In severe cases, men and women are not even in touch with their wishes, if asked, because they buried them deep.
The cure for these “complacent” is to believe that they can express themselves in words and actions and be accepted, loved, and safe. Then they can cut the “puppet strings” and take control of their lives. They may feel comfortable making first-person statements, such as “I’d like to go to this movie. I don’t like that one.”
Most people love being with “complainers” because they feel like they are in control and getting what they want. However, if you are “pulling the strings” of another person, you are likely to pay a price by experiencing their passive aggression. For example, they may be late, forget what you want them to remember, have affairs, or, to your surprise, one day file for a divorce.
If someone tries to give me their power, I refuse to accept it and be in control. I say, “That doesn’t work for me. Tell me what you really want and let’s come up with a win-win deal.” That feels better to me, because I want to be with equals. I also don’t want him to slap or hit me later for his passive aggressive behavior.
If you feel like a puppet, free yourself from the fears of not being able to be who you are and being accepted, loved or safe. Then, you will be much happier because the answer to the question, “Who runs your life?” It will be you!