Valentine’s Day is celebrated only once a year. And if you’ve been married as long as I have, your chances of sex aren’t much more frequent. ‘there’s always next year‘is a good mantra for a Cubs fan or libertarian, but not for a love. So don’t miss your chance at love this time: pay attention to the following tips for Valentine’s Day.

Nobody wants to hear the story of Valentine

just put, none story that ends with a beheading is no it will make you ugly. If you must tell a ‘topical’ story, try some ‘attic letters‘, instead of. Much hotter, and the tales there almost Never end in beheadings.

let your partner say when is it time to see your underwear

Guys I know she it says you like surprises. I know he wants you to be spontaneous. But greeting her at the door, or, God forbid, in her office, wearing nothing but a trench coat and a pair of edible underwear doesn’t help anyone. Besides the fact that you sight Ridiculous, in mid-February it’s still quite cold in many parts of the world. For your own good, think about the “contraction.”

Ladies… ignore this point completely. Us forever I want to see your underwear. Or, preferably, your lack of it. You little sluts, you.

don’t eat the candy hearts

First of all, they taste like Styrofoam ass. chalky styrofoam ass. Who wants to eat chalky Styrofoam ass? Nobody, that’s who.

Also, remember that a candy roughly as dry as the Sahara will rob you of all the saliva you’ve managed to produce that week. And your kissy-faced schnookum isn’t going to like sucking on your dry, wrinkled tongue. It’s not ‘Saint French-The-Elder’s Day’, after all. I think one is in September.

Finally, keep in mind that the average number of candy hearts a person can eat without bursting them again is around two. And while the irony of seeing a regurgitatedI’m N2U!‘in the toilet bowl is’delicious‘no way is’Romantic‘.

Leave poetry to professional poets.

I tell you from personal experience. A few years ago, I decided that the best way to express my love was to write my wife a poem, raw, sexy, and straight from the heart. These are the words that ended the odd lines of said poem:

‘rubies’

‘ballantine’

corn dog

‘schmenitalia’ (the point where I realized I was in over my head)

‘failure’

‘labradoodle’ (don’t ask)

‘Georgia’

‘throat pain’

He made me sleep on the couch for a week. Do not go there. Just don’t do it.

Don’t give your partner a super religious greeting card

Yes, she will be happy that you remember. Yes, it is the thought that counts. And yes, the image on the front with a single ray of light shining through the storm clouds is certainly inspiring

But nothing screamsWhy don’t we hug tonight?‘rather like a card containing the line:

‘Blessed be our conjugal bed, shared in love with the bosom of Jesus.‘

I’m all for a ‘Valentine’s threesome’, particularly one involving breasts, but that’s just a bit as well curly. Staying away.

If you don’t buy your lover chocolate, don’t explain why

It is perfectly acceptable to say:

‘I bought you these [flowers / massage oils / sexy underpants / strippers] because you are beautiful and I love you.‘

Is no acceptable to say:

‘I didn’t buy you chocolate, because I know you’re on a diet and I support your goal of being thinner.‘

And it is definitely It is not a good idea to say:

‘Plus, you want a gift that’s longer than three minutes, and you won’t cry afterwards, right?‘

Again, personal experience. And another week sleeping on the couch.

Learn from my mistakes, budding Romeos and Juliets. Follow these tips, and you should be having a wild romance with your lover in no time. Ignore my advice, and…well,’there are always next year‘.