Every once in a while, I have a person walk into my office, frustrated, angry, and hurt by people they’re having a hard time with in their life, and they ask, “Toni, how do I change them?” “How do I get them to see my point of view?” “How do I get them to stop doing things I don’t like and start doing things I want them to do?”

That is quite a difficult task, but there is a solution.

Are there people in your life that you are dying to change? And you think: “If they weren’t so hard to get along with, my life would be easier!”, “If they paid me more attention, I would feel more special!”, “If they weren’t so annoying and frustrating, it would be able to do my job!”

It seems that if everyone else got their lives together and handled their problems, life would be better for us! That might be true, and you might be right about that, but what are the chances that everyone around you will change just to make your life easier?

Do you want to know how to change people? Here’s how to do it: Change yourself. To change others, start with YOU.

No matter how much you want people to improve themselves, you can’t change another person to fit the idea of ​​who you want them to be. I’m sure you’ve tried this in the past and what happened? I bet you experienced your fair share of some of the most frustrating and upsetting moments of your life!

Because?

Because the more you try to change others, the more they will feel controlled and you will meet with a lot of resistance. And the more you try to control others, the more your very desire to change them will control you.

There is a universal right that we all have, it is a gift that is given to us at birth, and that is our free will. Free will means free thought. Each and everyone has this power within and no one can take it away from us. This is not to say that we always use this power effectively, but nevertheless we all have it. Even myself, as a psychologist, I cannot help someone more than he is willing to help himself; it is not in my power to do so. I can’t open a person’s mind and put what I want there. All I can do is influence one person who is willing to accept my help.

Same goes for you. So here are two things you can do to change others:

First, stop trying and just share your feelings. You can’t change people, but you can have some influence that can change their perceptions. Let the person know what’s bothering you and what you need from them without trying to change who they really are. The fact that you tell a person what you want does not mean that she is obligated to give it to you because she remembers, she has free will not to do it.

Second, turn your attention to your greatest power of influence: your mind. Why is this person bothering you in the first place? And why should it? Let me ask you: What do you need to change in yourself to stop needing a change in another to be happy? If you realize this, you will be free to depend on others to feel good about yourself.

From this point of view, one of two things will happen: either you will accept others as they are, or you will be in a better place to let them go.

Be true to yourself, focus on your personal changes and let others be, and just focus on your life choices.