Was there anything left unsaid before your loved one died? Or was there some act you never apologized for, perhaps an argument, an old grudge, or outright abuse? It is difficult in most human relationships not to look back and feel sorry for something that was said or not said. And, if a person is no longer there to hear that you’re sorry, your complaint can come to an unbearable stalemate. You feel like you are under the weight of an anchor.

Bringing up unfinished business with a deceased loved one is often not an easy thing to do. However, achieving peace of mind and heart is always possible. Finding ways to finish the unfinished is essential, or that emotional baggage will prolong your suffering. It can also interfere with your current relationships which are extremely important as you deal with your loss.

Here’s what you need to know to start your journey to resolution.

1. Clarify exactly what you are concerned about (or angry about) about the deceased. Write it down in detail for three reasons. First, it can help him more fully understand and think more deeply about the difficulty once he’s in the role. Second, it can be if he decides to see a helpful counselor for help. Third, he may look back as the weeks and months go by, and he may be looking at it from a completely different perspective.

2. Decide if you are giving the problem more attention than it deserves. Try to share your concern first with a close friend, someone you trust and respect. Sometimes we feel bad about what might be a minor omission or not really an omission at all.

When my mother died, I couldn’t remember the last time I told her, I love you. This annoyed me to no end. A month after her death, I finally went to see a friend (a psychologist), who after listening carefully said, “Lou, don’t you think your mother knew how much you loved her?” That comment was a major factor in my gradual release of my anchor.

3. Familiarize yourself with commonly used forms of expressing emotions when completing unfinished business. Talk to the deceased in what is called the empty chair technique, use art or poetry, write a letter of apology or forgiveness (and then bury it in the grave or burn it and scatter the ashes), exercise or hit the pillow are frequent. used and accepted ways that can help you in your dilemma.

4. Give yourself and/or the deceased loved one the benefit of the doubt. Are you being realistic about the circumstances in which the incident occurred? We’re all good at guessing and using hindsight (like should I have taken him to another doctor or taken her home, or taken him to a different ER). Are your current feelings and emotions clouding your judgment? Look at the positive aspects of your loved one in light of the transgression. How would he or she respond to her deep sense of unfinished business knowing all you did for him or her?

5. If you feel a sense of relief mixed with your feelings, don’t let guilt rob you of a normal human response. Yes, after all you’ve done, all the hard work, all the injections, all the lost sleep, all the problems with the medical establishment, etc., it follows that a feeling of relief is a common reaction. This guilt or other emotions associated with a sense of relief can exacerbate any unfinished business you may have.

6. Remember that ending unfinished business sometimes means forgiving. Let the power of forgiveness play its part in forgiving yourself and/or the deceased. This act will only change your life for the better. It’s guaranteed, and I can’t stress this enough, you’ll be richer for it. And, you can assume, from the point of view of where your deceased loved one is now, he/she forgives you. Giving truly takes time; keep saying it over and over again out loud and silently, until in your heart you feel the truth.

Since unfinished business involves anything said or unsaid that is considered a problem for you, find a creative way to make peace by saying exactly what you need to say to achieve a sense of completion in the relationship. There is always something that can be done. If friends can’t come up with an idea that helps, go to a professional who can give you lots of suggestions on how to reframe the problem and get rid of your burden.

Although life is unfinished, you have to establish a new relationship with the deceased. This is achieved by using traditions, celebrations and memories to keep it alive in your heart and becoming an expert in loving in separation. That approach will also reduce the impact of any outstanding issues.