Many wives who learn that their husband is still actively cheating often list “getting him to stop” as the most important goal. This is true even if the wife has no idea if she wants to save her marriage. Very few people will discover the deception and then turn away or allow the deception to continue. Most people want the cheating to stop immediately, even if the future of the marriage is unclear. Then the faithful wife or spouse can go on a crusade to demand that the affair end. And when that finally happens, the wife can feel a small sliver of success, until she begins to think about it too much, and she worries that the cheating may eventually start all over again, especially given the uncertain fate of her marriage.

She might say, “For two weeks, I threatened my husband that if he didn’t end their relationship right away, I wouldn’t let him see his children. He tried to delay and begged me for more time. I wouldn’t budge. I told him no.” there was time to waste. And I suspect he was begging for time because he was trying to delay it, since he thinks he has real feelings for this fool, which is ridiculous. They’ve only known each other for a few months. He told me last weekend I broke up. I don’t interact with him much lately, so it’s not like I watched his behavior. I’m too mad. But last night I got up for a glass of water and I was in the kitchen texting. He said I was a text message from his college-age son. But his face looked guilty. And now I’m worried that since I’m turning my back on him, he is or will start picking up the thing again. How often does someone stop the thing, just to restart it?

That is very difficult to answer. You may already know this, but if you do your research on this topic, you can find data indicating that anywhere from 22% of people repeat cheating to 55%. Statistics seem to vary on this subject. But depending on what you believe, you’re looking at anywhere from one in four men to one in two. Now, these statistics don’t tell us if the person cheated again with the original partner. They only tell us if she cheated more than once. That’s why I suspect the number of people who are cheating on the same person more than once is on the lower end of that scale, but I can’t be sure.

As someone who has dealt with cheating, I completely understand why you want this information and why you want to know how likely you are to cheat again. But I don’t think you need to base your decision about your marriage on this information. Many wives feel pressured to resume the marital relationship too soon simply because they fear that if they don’t, their spouse will just go back to the other person because it’s so easy. I understand why this is tempting, but rushing this way is also not ideal. You have not given yourself enough time to observe, wait and process what is happening. And frankly, if her husband goes back to the other woman, it gives you a lot of free information about his motivations and about her commitment to her marriage, at least at the time. Jumping back to the subject (or never stopping it in the first place) tells you a lot about her thought process. If he can’t take a well-deserved coolness, then I’m not sure he’ll act differently no matter what you do or how much you walk on eggshells. A man who is serious about saving his marriage will end the affair no matter what because it is the right thing to do. However, not all men make this decision immediately. Some get caught up in the drama of the adventure, only to be brought back to reality later, after reality fades.

There are no real guarantees in life or in marriage. It is impossible to have an ironclad guarantee that your spouse will never cheat on you again. In my experience, the best thing you can do is decide if you want to save your marriage and then work tirelessly to do exactly that. Finally, you want a better marriage than the one you had in the beginning because this will give you the confidence that you can believe in your marriage again. But none of these things can happen unless and until you figure out what your spouse was trying to accomplish by having an affair and then figure out a way to prevent that process from happening again.

However, that is something that is usually decided over time. There is no reason why you should rush just because you are afraid that he will cheat on you again. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep a close eye on him and get all the important information you can. But if you’re serious about getting this right, you won’t start the matter again. Because it’s common sense that doing so would mean you might not give him a second chance.